


The Beast Within

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, M/M, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 18:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18287582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: INSPIRED BY EPISODE 3x18 DESCRIPTION                     Getting Magnus to wake up after he collapses at the end of 3x15 is just the first round of the battle. Because he wakes up to find that the magic he bought from Lorenzo has been taken away before it would’ve killed him. When Magnus sinks deeper and deeper into depression, Alec is terrified that he may lose his world, after all.                       MALEC





	The Beast Within

**Author's Note:**

> So… I started wondering a long time ago whether the show would ever brush the topic of Magnus’s history with depression again. ESPECIALLY after the events of season 3. (Because seriously, so far it’s been a hit and loss after another aimed at him!) Then I encountered this 3x18 episode description: ‘Meanwhile, Alec has to juggle the (demon) outbreak with his deep concern about Magnus’s depression’. Looks like my question has been answered…! (gulps) I have no idea how deep into the subject the show will go. But I just HAD TO type this. Especially when I noticed that during the ‘I won’t lose you, I can’t’ scene Magnus’s hair’s flat. (Either it’s during 3x16 or later – in any case, flat hair means that Magnus isn’t okay…!)  
> (The chapter’s title is the name of episode 3x18, btw.)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: BUAH-HAH HAA! Right… If I DID own anything I wouldn’t be a monster enough to torture people with only one episode per week. (Frustration over the 3x15 cliffie-ending is real…!)
> 
> WARNINGS: TRIGGER WARNING OF DEPRESSION, other than that… None. Just… Feels…?
> 
> Awkay, because I’ve ranted enough… Let’s go! I really hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.
> 
> SONG TO SET THE MOOD: 'Run to you' by Leah Michelle

When Magnus finally woke up from his unnatural sleep Alec felt the same overwhelming relief he did when the warlock agreed to move in together. (Literally seconds before things went from heaven to hell.) He watched Magnus’s eyes fill slowly with recognition and warmth as they saw him. And the smile on the archer’s face was that of a man who just got their whole world back. It fell when his boyfriend’s expression transformed to that of grief, horror and despair. It took Alec only a moment to realize what caused the change. Of course the warlock felt the gaping hole where magic no longer was immediately.

Magnus’s last fully coherent words before he collapsed were ‘I love you’ – his first ones after waking up were ‘Please, no, not again’.

Alec held him. Comforted him the best as he could. Magnus didn’t cry, scream or even shiver. Just closed up. “I’m fine”, the once again magicless warlock murmured. Not convincing either one of them. “I just… need to get used to it. Again. I’m fine.”

/

Magnus couldn’t get used to it and bounce back from such a horrific loss this time, either. The previous time he was desperate enough to go to Lorenzo Rey, of all people, for help. Now there wasn’t even that fool’s hope to cling to. Magnus gambled and lost. And it was like someone had blown out a candle.

Since right after waking up Magnus said a little less with each new day. He stopped styling his hair, polishing his nails and even quit trying to put on makeup almost entirely. That he didn’t have the strength and will to even try to look like himself was terrifying. The man who once enjoyed fine-dining stopped eating pretty much entirely. Eventually pretty much all Magnus seemed to wish to do was sleep.

It was almost as bad as the time right after Magnus collapsed. Once more the man who’d become Alec’s world was slipping away. Even when he was right there in the Shadowhunter’s arms Magnus seemed to be little more than a hollow shell. In the end the same sheer terror the archer experienced when his boyfriend started coughing up blood returned. Because he was losing Magnus all over again, to everything that’d been stolen from his beloved.

His post as the High Warlock… His magic and immortality… His home… And now, just when he’d started to seem genuinely happy again, the magic Lorenzo gave him at a hefty price was gone. Torn off Magnus before it would’ve killed him.

/ _“It makes me feel alive.”_ /  
/ _“Magic connects me to everything around me.”_ /  
/ _“The world keeps on going. And it’s like I’m not a part of it. Like suddenly I don’t matter.”_ /

Magnus was quite possibly the strongest person Alec had ever met. But losing such an integral part of his very self for the second time… After just getting a taste of what it felt like to have it back… There were only so many emotional blows a person can take. Alec wondered with horror if Magnus had reached his limit.

/

One evening Alec came back to his boyfriend to find the room chillingly dark. On the bed the familiar shape of a body he knew as well as his own lay. In almost the exact same position as in the morning.

He swallowed thickly but still sounded hoarse when he asked. “Have you gotten out of the bed at all today?” The shake of a head was barely noticeable. “Do you… want to talk?” he inquired hopefully despite knowing the answer.

Magnus shook his head slightly more clearly this time. “I just want to sleep for a while.” It was the same answer he got every time.

Usually that would’ve been all Magnus said on one of these _worst_ days. That evening, however, the warlock continued when Alec lay down as well. “I’m sorry.” The older man went on before questions could be asked. “That… That on days like this I wonder if it would’ve been better to not wake up. If it would’ve been better to… drift away feeling happy.” Saying those horrible words, Magnus finally sounded something aside empty. He sounded ashamed, longing, guilty, sad and thoroughly torn.

Those words, and that tone… Alec felt like he’d been stabbed. His mouth opened several times but nothing came out. What words would’ve made any difference in the face of such despair? Quite soon Magnus fell asleep, right after another whisper-light ‘I’m sorry’. It took Alec several minutes to notice the tears on his own cheeks.

_Magnus, stay with me_ , he pleaded, this time only in his head.

/

The following morning Alec made a decision. After leaving Magnus to a shower the warlock had forced himself to take in a desperate need to feel better, the archer went to Izzy. “Can you cover me for a couple of days if I take some time off?”

Izzy frowned. “Of course. Is… everything okay?” Her confusion was understandable. He never took personal time off.

Alec nodded. He hated the lump he felt in his throat. “You know how important this job is to me. But Magnus… Right now he needs me more.” He had to clear his throat when his voice broke. “And I can’t come here every morning, fearing what may be waiting when I go back.” Somehow admitting as much made it all feel even worse. Far too real.

Shock, sadness and worry flashed in Izzy’s eyes. Thankfully she didn’t ask anything or hug him, because he didn’t want to break down in the middle of the Institute. “Then take all the time off you need”, she urged. “And tell Magnus that we all hope he feels better soon.”

/

A couple of hours later Alec returned home to find Magnus standing in front of a window, nursing a mug of tea. The man blinked from surprise upon seeing him. (Alec was ridiculously happy to see genuine emotion, even if it was just a flicker.) “Alexander? What are you doing back this early?”

Alec inhaled a deep breath. “I… took some time off. Because, with you… It’s where I want to be right now. To remind you that even though you’ve lost too much you haven’t lost everything. You still have me.”

/ _“Everything I need is right here in front of me.”_ / Of course they both knew, already then, that it wasn’t quite so simple. But Alec prayed that he might be enough to make the still ongoing fight to hang on worth it.

Magnus stared at him for a long moment. Then made his way to him and pulled him to a hug. Neither said a word because they didn’t have to.

Until Magnus spoke all of a sudden, seeming unsure and deeply embarrassed. “Catarina… gave me the name and number of this warlock therapist today. Do you… think you could come and see him with me tomorrow?”

The shock over having been invited rendered Alec speechless. Until he hurried to answer before his boyfriend would imagine that he was refusing. “Of course I’ll come”, he assured. “Thank you for inviting me.” Was it possible that what he once told Magnus had an impact? ( / _“You’ve been taking care of others your whole life. Sometimes it’s okay to let others take care of you.”_ /)

The sound of amusement that Magnus forced out didn’t sound right, but it was a start. (Or so Alec wanted to believe.) “Honestly? It’s mainly to make sure that I actually go.”

Alec held Magnus as though trying to shield the man he loved from the whole world. The embrace was similar to those right after Valentine’s attack and when Magnus told him about his past. “I’m always here for you”, he announced, firmly but gently. Needing to say it and the other to hear it. “I love you.”

“I know.” Magnus leaned his head against him. “I love you, too.”

Those things, at very least, neither of them doubted, even now.

Alec had no idea if any amount of love he could give was enough to save Magnus from the beast within. But there was absolutely no way he was going to give up trying. Not when it was his whole world at stake.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Magnus! He seriously has lost WAY too much. And the blows just seem to keep coming. It’s no wonder he cracks under the pressure eventually. (whimpers)
> 
> Soooo… Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me know! I’m actually a bit nervous about posting this particular piece, so it’d mean the world to me to hear from you.
> 
> Thank you, so much, for reading! Whoever knows. Maybe I’ll see you around again?
> 
> Take care – of yourselves and the Magnuses of the world!


End file.
